When Jake was born, someone asked me how it felt to be a Mom. I said it was like my heart was outside of my body. I love him with every ounce of my being.
Then a co-worker told me that being a parent was the best and worst thing a person could do. Parenthood brings the most joy and the most pain. I'd always hoped that my children would bring me more joy than pain and so far that is true.
But there are so many things out of a parent's control. There is no way to control a drunk driver, a bully at school or other random evils of the world. The world had my heart in its hands.
Sadly, no matter how much we worry about our loved ones or fight to keep them safe, we can only control so much. Our worlds can be turned upside down at any moment. We want to think we have the power to keep our loved ones - our children - safe, but we don’t. Not entirely. There is so much beyond our control. With this said it is easy to understand people who don’t love with all their hearts, because the more you love the more you open yourself up to pain. I can’t live that way though, and if you care enough to come here and read this you probably can’t either.
Scary, huh?
I don’t have any great wisdom about how we can deal with living and loving in a world that can be so cruel. I wish I did.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I'm so grateful to be a MOM!
Yesterday I spent the entire day with my little girl. It was her third birthday! We slept in, ate breakfast together. Took our time getting going and then headed off to the mall. It was a quiet, simple day with no agenda, no hurry, no "Come on Hailee, we have to go."
We wandered through the Disney Store touching and playing with everything. How many people can say they actually stopped and played. There always seems to be a hurry to life. Hurry to go to work. Hurry to drop the kids off. Hurry to make dinner. It was great to just soak in the time with my baby. She's not much of a baby anymore. Hailee has her own ideas, opinions, thoughts.
She has many dislikes and many, many likes.
Hailee walked into Build A Bear and she was completely overwhelmed. Her big blue eyes opened even wider. Too many animals to choose from. Eventually she choose a brown fuzzy bear. Her "Princess" Bear was given five baths and Hailee spent about five minutes combing her hair. Clothing and shoes for her bear were very easy. She knew exactly what she wants- a pink princess outfit with a crown, of course. We spent two hours in the store, again, touching and playing. We got our nails done. We went to McDonald's to run around. We had a party at night. She was one very busy and very spoiled girl!
Three years ago I was blessed with a healthy baby girl. There were a few complications, but nothing serious. I remember at one of the ultra sound, the nurse said she was 90% sure it was a girl. She was the girl I always dreamed about. Paul said, "What am I going to do with that?" He was raising two boys, girls are a totally different ballgame. Her ultrasound picture looked like a smooshed little puppy. One day she will forgive me for that comment. She came out beautiful and healthy. It was love at first sight.
Paul is now Hailee's biggest fan. When she is in trouble, she calls for her Daddy! When she wants a big hug, she calls for Daddy! When she wants to swing by her feet, its Daddy she calls.
Paul is an amazing father. He's the big tough dad who can fight the ghosts and monsters away. He's the sweet guy that will read stories and cuddle with the kids. He's also the rough, tough Dad who will chase the kids down the street as they ride their bike or wrestle with the kids. Every once in a while, its also the bad Dad who will give time outs. He wear many hats that all say Dad.
Not until last year, was I ever so grateful for my two healthy kids. I'm sorry it took my nwphew to realize that there can be so many complications and problems. But my kids are two walking miracles. Here are many, many people that can't have kids or have had to bury their child. I am truly grateful for the gift of my children.
I cherish every moment I have with Jake and Hailee. Even the ones when I am yelling at Jake to stop hitting Hailee, or when Hailee is having a melt down because I don't have the right dress for her to wear.
The years go by so fast and someday she will be going to kindergarten, graduate high school and college. She will fall in love and get her heart broken. She will get grounded. She will go to prom and Paul and I will be waiting up for her when she missed cerfew. Paul will have the father/daughter dance at her wedding. We will survive and enjoy all of these things and look back and laugh about the dolls she used to play with.
My hope is that she becomes a smart, independent, happy woman. My hope is that we are giving her roots and wings so that one day she may soar.My hope is that God will give me the strength and wisdom to be the best mommy I can be!
Happy Birthday Baby! Mommy loves you more than I will ever be able to express.
We wandered through the Disney Store touching and playing with everything. How many people can say they actually stopped and played. There always seems to be a hurry to life. Hurry to go to work. Hurry to drop the kids off. Hurry to make dinner. It was great to just soak in the time with my baby. She's not much of a baby anymore. Hailee has her own ideas, opinions, thoughts.
She has many dislikes and many, many likes.
Hailee walked into Build A Bear and she was completely overwhelmed. Her big blue eyes opened even wider. Too many animals to choose from. Eventually she choose a brown fuzzy bear. Her "Princess" Bear was given five baths and Hailee spent about five minutes combing her hair. Clothing and shoes for her bear were very easy. She knew exactly what she wants- a pink princess outfit with a crown, of course. We spent two hours in the store, again, touching and playing. We got our nails done. We went to McDonald's to run around. We had a party at night. She was one very busy and very spoiled girl!
Three years ago I was blessed with a healthy baby girl. There were a few complications, but nothing serious. I remember at one of the ultra sound, the nurse said she was 90% sure it was a girl. She was the girl I always dreamed about. Paul said, "What am I going to do with that?" He was raising two boys, girls are a totally different ballgame. Her ultrasound picture looked like a smooshed little puppy. One day she will forgive me for that comment. She came out beautiful and healthy. It was love at first sight.
Paul is now Hailee's biggest fan. When she is in trouble, she calls for her Daddy! When she wants a big hug, she calls for Daddy! When she wants to swing by her feet, its Daddy she calls.
Paul is an amazing father. He's the big tough dad who can fight the ghosts and monsters away. He's the sweet guy that will read stories and cuddle with the kids. He's also the rough, tough Dad who will chase the kids down the street as they ride their bike or wrestle with the kids. Every once in a while, its also the bad Dad who will give time outs. He wear many hats that all say Dad.
Not until last year, was I ever so grateful for my two healthy kids. I'm sorry it took my nwphew to realize that there can be so many complications and problems. But my kids are two walking miracles. Here are many, many people that can't have kids or have had to bury their child. I am truly grateful for the gift of my children.
I cherish every moment I have with Jake and Hailee. Even the ones when I am yelling at Jake to stop hitting Hailee, or when Hailee is having a melt down because I don't have the right dress for her to wear.
The years go by so fast and someday she will be going to kindergarten, graduate high school and college. She will fall in love and get her heart broken. She will get grounded. She will go to prom and Paul and I will be waiting up for her when she missed cerfew. Paul will have the father/daughter dance at her wedding. We will survive and enjoy all of these things and look back and laugh about the dolls she used to play with.
My hope is that she becomes a smart, independent, happy woman. My hope is that we are giving her roots and wings so that one day she may soar.My hope is that God will give me the strength and wisdom to be the best mommy I can be!
Happy Birthday Baby! Mommy loves you more than I will ever be able to express.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I don't know why, but I keep reading blogs from moms who have lost children. It isn't like I am searching for these blogs- they are really, really sad. Kelly is kind of obsessed with the topic, so I guess I can blame it on her. The one positive things about reading such blogs, is it gives me much needed perspective.
I've been putting way too much stress on myself about all sorts of different things. I want my bedroom moved...the flowers planted, the carpent cleaned, car cleaned out. I hate bugs- so the few ants in my kitchen are driving me crazy. There is always too much to do. Laundry, work, cooking, cleaning....the list never ends. Come to think of it, I forgot to have Jake sign a couple birthday cards for relatives, and he still has thank you cards to sign from his birthday party. But at the end of the day, the kids are healthy and life is good.
I've been trying really hard to support Paul with Brendon situation. Not sure if I should talk about it, because I might upset him.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Two Minute Entry....
There are been people that say Hailee doesn't have the same opportunities that the other two have, because she is the last one and of course, the only girl. I've completely disagreed with these statements.
She may not be the first to do it, but she still has the opportunity. Today, Hailee was accepted into Barbara Vick! YES! She is following in her brothers foot-steps, but making her own trail! I'm very excited about the opportunity and grateful for the chance.
Decision making is hard, but I know that Paul and I made the right one with Barbara Vick- even if I did have to pester the principal for a couple days!
She may not be the first to do it, but she still has the opportunity. Today, Hailee was accepted into Barbara Vick! YES! She is following in her brothers foot-steps, but making her own trail! I'm very excited about the opportunity and grateful for the chance.
Decision making is hard, but I know that Paul and I made the right one with Barbara Vick- even if I did have to pester the principal for a couple days!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Happiness....and random thoughts
This weekend was great! Nothing special happened. Actually I take that back...I got to spend most of Saturday afternoon with my grandfather. He's fiesty and still loves to pick fights with me. the four of us wore him out.... and I think we were a little wore out too. I think I am going to buy him a Blackhawks shirt. He hates hockey- thinks they are going to loss. That would be oh, so funny!
My grandfather told me that he feels like an old man- well, he is 87! He said he's not old and that he's going to live to 90! I loved hearing that. He was in the yard all day barking directions and yelling to get off the other part of the garden. Paul missed the yelling and the directions, lucky him!
I'm on a mission- to get the winter clothes put away, to get the summer clothes organized, to move into our new bedroom, to clean the carpet. Oh yeah, to plant the rest of the flowers. I think Paul thinks I am insane. Maybe he loves me despite my flower obsession!?!
Hailee had the biggest fit she's ever had with me yesterday. I took a small bite of her candy and she lost it on the floor on Dominick's. I picked her up and put her in the cart and she hit me...repeatedly. Then she threw a bottle of Vitamin Water on the floor and it broke. A woman asked me if I was having a bad day and actually, nope I wasn't. Yes, I was stressed out and more than annoyed, but having a bad day- nah!
A bad day would be burying your child, parent, grandparent... getting in a car accident...finding out someone is sick. Hailee's temper tantrum was Hailee being over tired and almost 3. She's testing the boundaries, exploring her word, testing Mommy. She does a lot of that lately.
I talked to a woman who's son got into Lenart. She was confused- very very confused. I gave her all of the knowledge I wish someone would've given me. I hope she makes the right choice. She needs to make a decision by 5 p.m. today. She has never visited the school and both of her other kids go to Keller. I think the cards are stacked against the right choice. Opportunity sometimes only knocks once...I'm glad Paul and I made the right decision. Hope we make many other ones.
Going to Barbara Vick tomorrow- need answers. Need to make the right decision.....
My grandfather told me that he feels like an old man- well, he is 87! He said he's not old and that he's going to live to 90! I loved hearing that. He was in the yard all day barking directions and yelling to get off the other part of the garden. Paul missed the yelling and the directions, lucky him!
I'm on a mission- to get the winter clothes put away, to get the summer clothes organized, to move into our new bedroom, to clean the carpet. Oh yeah, to plant the rest of the flowers. I think Paul thinks I am insane. Maybe he loves me despite my flower obsession!?!
Hailee had the biggest fit she's ever had with me yesterday. I took a small bite of her candy and she lost it on the floor on Dominick's. I picked her up and put her in the cart and she hit me...repeatedly. Then she threw a bottle of Vitamin Water on the floor and it broke. A woman asked me if I was having a bad day and actually, nope I wasn't. Yes, I was stressed out and more than annoyed, but having a bad day- nah!
A bad day would be burying your child, parent, grandparent... getting in a car accident...finding out someone is sick. Hailee's temper tantrum was Hailee being over tired and almost 3. She's testing the boundaries, exploring her word, testing Mommy. She does a lot of that lately.
I talked to a woman who's son got into Lenart. She was confused- very very confused. I gave her all of the knowledge I wish someone would've given me. I hope she makes the right choice. She needs to make a decision by 5 p.m. today. She has never visited the school and both of her other kids go to Keller. I think the cards are stacked against the right choice. Opportunity sometimes only knocks once...I'm glad Paul and I made the right decision. Hope we make many other ones.
Going to Barbara Vick tomorrow- need answers. Need to make the right decision.....
Thursday, May 14, 2009
My Grandparents
Next Sunday afternoon my grandfather asked me to come plant flowers and tomato plants in his yard. I think it is an excuse to get me to come over, not that I need one. My mom, his neighbor, he himself can all do the work that needs to be done,but he asked me- so I am, of course, going.
I'm going to throw the kids in the car, and hopefully get Paul to take a small road trip back to the south suburbs to see my grandparents. My grandfather is fiesty, and too honest and sometimes even mean, but he is a pillar of strength and the backbone of the family.
I want Jake and Hailee to remember running around the garden, chasing each other. I want them to see the tomatoes, lettuce and whatever else we plant, grow- just like Ryan and I did. Ryan and I spent alot of time at my grandparents house. We played baseball in the living room, ate chicken soup on the couch when we were sick, slept on the same old blue couch, we sit on now. We ran around and through the garden over and over again.
One of my fondest childhood memories is jumping off the railing on the porch into my grandfather's lap over and over again. I don't remember him yelling at me to stop, but being the 100% Italian that he is,I'm sure he yelled alot. I do remember my grandmother yelling at my grandfather for yelling at us. She was the guard, the angel. The person we could do no wrong with!
My grandmother would always walk Ryan and I to school everyday and then go take care of one of her really sick friends, Mrs. Pomeroy. She did this everyday for years. Eventually her friend died, but I think that she taught Ryan and I compassion. Sometimes she would even drag us there, if Mrs. Pomeroy needed something done. She would visit Mrs. Pomeroy, cook, clean, talk, sing- what ever she need my grandmother would do. Now that my grandmother is older and fraile, I only hope that she takes as good as care of herself as she did Mrs. Pomeroy.
As a teenager, I remember being confused or upset about something- boys, school, who knows- and my grandfather was always there to make some sense of the world. My grandmother was always there with fresh baked cookies and some milk.
When my parents divorced, my grandfather really stepped up and became Dad. It wasn't a role that he wanted, but one that he accepted.
I want Jake and Hailee to remember my grandparents. Maybe not they way Ryan and I remember them- but make their own memories. There are few kids that are lucky enough to have great-grandparents and who knows how long we will be blessed to have them with us. So we will drive to plant tomato plants or plant flowers, or clean the kitchen- whatever excuse my grandfather comes up with, we will be there.
I'm going to throw the kids in the car, and hopefully get Paul to take a small road trip back to the south suburbs to see my grandparents. My grandfather is fiesty, and too honest and sometimes even mean, but he is a pillar of strength and the backbone of the family.
I want Jake and Hailee to remember running around the garden, chasing each other. I want them to see the tomatoes, lettuce and whatever else we plant, grow- just like Ryan and I did. Ryan and I spent alot of time at my grandparents house. We played baseball in the living room, ate chicken soup on the couch when we were sick, slept on the same old blue couch, we sit on now. We ran around and through the garden over and over again.
One of my fondest childhood memories is jumping off the railing on the porch into my grandfather's lap over and over again. I don't remember him yelling at me to stop, but being the 100% Italian that he is,I'm sure he yelled alot. I do remember my grandmother yelling at my grandfather for yelling at us. She was the guard, the angel. The person we could do no wrong with!
My grandmother would always walk Ryan and I to school everyday and then go take care of one of her really sick friends, Mrs. Pomeroy. She did this everyday for years. Eventually her friend died, but I think that she taught Ryan and I compassion. Sometimes she would even drag us there, if Mrs. Pomeroy needed something done. She would visit Mrs. Pomeroy, cook, clean, talk, sing- what ever she need my grandmother would do. Now that my grandmother is older and fraile, I only hope that she takes as good as care of herself as she did Mrs. Pomeroy.
As a teenager, I remember being confused or upset about something- boys, school, who knows- and my grandfather was always there to make some sense of the world. My grandmother was always there with fresh baked cookies and some milk.
When my parents divorced, my grandfather really stepped up and became Dad. It wasn't a role that he wanted, but one that he accepted.
I want Jake and Hailee to remember my grandparents. Maybe not they way Ryan and I remember them- but make their own memories. There are few kids that are lucky enough to have great-grandparents and who knows how long we will be blessed to have them with us. So we will drive to plant tomato plants or plant flowers, or clean the kitchen- whatever excuse my grandfather comes up with, we will be there.
Paul...
Paul and I have a very unique relationship. We've had the highest highs and we've had some really low lows. Its almost been seven years since we've gotten married. Seven of the most wonderful and difficult years of my life. Through it all, I'm glad that we are together. He gave me the best presents of all...my babies. Both of the kids have traits of Paul's... I swear we should've name Jake, Paul instead. He's a clone. We have lots of different opinions on things, see things through different eyes, but I'm glad that he is my husband and my best friend. He's the guy that knows how and what I am feeling without even telling him. He can read my eyes maybe even my facial expressions.
Paul is going through a really hard time right now and I am trying to be the most supportive wife that I can be, although I think I am failing. But last night, he knew I was stressed and he made it all better. It was great and I feel so much better. Wish I could make him feel the way he makes me feel. Love him!
Paul is going through a really hard time right now and I am trying to be the most supportive wife that I can be, although I think I am failing. But last night, he knew I was stressed and he made it all better. It was great and I feel so much better. Wish I could make him feel the way he makes me feel. Love him!
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