Pain, Suffering and Happiness

This post is going to ramble. Just a warning.

I talked to my friend Rick this morning, who seemed to move the clouds from the sky for me. The sun was shining when I stopped talking to him, which was kind of ironic because that is how I felt. He put into perspective all of the things going on in my life, which helped at least for the moment. Brendon moved in with his mother last Thursday night. The night wasn't as dramatic as I thought it was going to be. Emotional, but not dramatic.

A sigh of relieve filled my body. There was no more drama. No more wondering where he is, what he's up to. No more court battles, at least for now. But then there was sadness. This is a kid I have been raising since he was five. Now he's a trouble 14 year old who is going to live with his mother to get everything he wants. She's evil...pure evil. Poor Brendon is a pawn and he doesn't even know it. Rick told me that Paul probably feels some guilt about the way he came into this world. Paul and the evil one were never married. I'm not sure how they even conceived this child- they are so opposite. But I digress. Paul and the evil one have been fighting over this kid this entire life. Brendon is clearly angry. Angry about the evil one not acting like a mother. Angry for having boundaries and consequences. Angry because he is a teenager. Angry for not being Jake or Hailee.

So Paul is in a no win situation. Paul constantly has to choose between me and Brendon- not because we make him...because its an innate thing to do. Paul feels guilty for bring Brendon into a world with an evil mother, which makes him feel sympathy for him, which in turn makes Paul treat Brendon differently. Less boundaries...more of a friend. Paul doesn't have to choose between Jake and I, or Hailee and I- why? Because we are raising them together. There is no guilt or sympathy. There is a united front. Somehow, Paul and I need to be a united front with Brendon. This is going to take a lot of work- ALOT!

So my other question for my friend Rick- nature vs. nurture. Yes, this debate has been going on for centuries. Unfortunately, the answer was both good and bad. Someone has personality traits set by their DNA. Yes, Jake is going to be laid back and sweet, just like Paul. No, Brendon has the lying, manipulative, deceitful traits- and oh, how they are coming out. Yes and No- Hailee on the other hand, has my stubborn, sassy traits. Hmmmm... I'll get back to you on this one. If their traits have positive rewards to them, such as lying and getting what you want- the trait flourishes. Again, both a good and bad thing.

Rick and I also talked about forgiveness. He told me that I am not Jesus who says to you, you are forgiven, and poof, its all gone. Forgiveness is a decision to make that has to be throughout and executed. Its an on-going process, but first I must get through the anger. Anger for hurting the family, anger for the actions. Oh, the anger. Not sure I am ready to forgive and forget anyone. I will. I will in time. Rick says to calm down and give myself time. Time is a gift and I need to use it wisely.

Time. Time to heal. I am many things, patient is not one of them. I want it done now. I want to fix it now. This maybe my cross to bear. Trying to fix things that I can't is my other cross to bear. I want to snap my fingers and have Paul healed. Its not going to happen. So I am being supportive and patient. YIKES!

On the other hand, it was Jake's 6th birthday and Mother's Day this weekend. It was amazing. My baby, with the big head, who weighed almost ten pounds is 6! Where did the time go. I remember all of the little lessons he taught me as a new mom. I remember him biting through his tongue, projecting vomit all over the living room at 2 a.m., watching General Hospital while feeding his in the middle of the night. I remember it all, crawling, walking, calling the doctor every other day, etc. as if it was yesterday. I am incredibly proud of the way he is growing up- not because he is "gifted." Because he is simply Jake. He's got a great personality. He's social, amazing, fun. He's my "Jakers." My little "Rock Star." He's far from perfect, but I'm not expecting him to be. He's the light of my life and I was honored to share the day with him. He's the best gift I have ever received.

Hailee ran up to me and gave me a big hug and said Happy Birthday to me on Mother's Day. I am sure that she meant Mother's Day, but it meant the same thing. My little girl. She's the girl I dreamed of while I was pregnant. The girl I always wanted. Hailee is the one who turned her Daddy's face pale when we found out it was a girl! "What do I do with that?" She my princess with a diva attitude. Wonder where she gets that from? I love spending time with her. She sees the world through her eyes. She's excited about the grass seed that is growing. "It's so cute, Mommy." She's excited about the pink flowers at the neighbors house, and the water dripping from the outside hose. She loves wearing dresses and picking out her own clothes. Hailee simply loves life! I hope that I can raise her to be a responsible, happy adult who always loves life. I'm trying my damnest.

Sitting in church on Sunday, I was thinking of two particular moms who lost children this year- one an adult, the other a young girl. I prayed for them. The pain must be unbearable. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes and chills down my spine. Both women held their children as they passed away. I can't even imagine!

After all is said and done, between court battles, Brendon, loss of jobs, etc. The everyday running around- errands, laundry, dishes, homework, etc. Paul and I don't have it that bad. All of our children are healthy and alive. We might not like how they are acting or what they are saying, but they are with us.