The World has my Heart in its Hand!

When Jake was born, someone asked me how it felt to be a Mom. I said it was like my heart was outside of my body. I love him with every ounce of my being.

Then a co-worker told me that being a parent was the best and worst thing a person could do. Parenthood brings the most joy and the most pain. I'd always hoped that my children would bring me more joy than pain and so far that is true.

But there are so many things out of a parent's control. There is no way to control a drunk driver, a bully at school or other random evils of the world. The world had my heart in its hands.

Sadly, no matter how much we worry about our loved ones or fight to keep them safe, we can only control so much. Our worlds can be turned upside down at any moment. We want to think we have the power to keep our loved ones - our children - safe, but we don’t. Not entirely. There is so much beyond our control. With this said it is easy to understand people who don’t love with all their hearts, because the more you love the more you open yourself up to pain. I can’t live that way though, and if you care enough to come here and read this you probably can’t either.

Scary, huh?

I don’t have any great wisdom about how we can deal with living and loving in a world that can be so cruel. I wish I did.

I'm so grateful to be a MOM!

Yesterday I spent the entire day with my little girl. It was her third birthday! We slept in, ate breakfast together. Took our time getting going and then headed off to the mall. It was a quiet, simple day with no agenda, no hurry, no "Come on Hailee, we have to go."

We wandered through the Disney Store touching and playing with everything. How many people can say they actually stopped and played. There always seems to be a hurry to life. Hurry to go to work. Hurry to drop the kids off. Hurry to make dinner. It was great to just soak in the time with my baby. She's not much of a baby anymore. Hailee has her own ideas, opinions, thoughts.
She has many dislikes and many, many likes.

Hailee walked into Build A Bear and she was completely overwhelmed. Her big blue eyes opened even wider. Too many animals to choose from. Eventually she choose a brown fuzzy bear. Her "Princess" Bear was given five baths and Hailee spent about five minutes combing her hair. Clothing and shoes for her bear were very easy. She knew exactly what she wants- a pink princess outfit with a crown, of course. We spent two hours in the store, again, touching and playing. We got our nails done. We went to McDonald's to run around. We had a party at night. She was one very busy and very spoiled girl!

Three years ago I was blessed with a healthy baby girl. There were a few complications, but nothing serious. I remember at one of the ultra sound, the nurse said she was 90% sure it was a girl. She was the girl I always dreamed about. Paul said, "What am I going to do with that?" He was raising two boys, girls are a totally different ballgame. Her ultrasound picture looked like a smooshed little puppy. One day she will forgive me for that comment. She came out beautiful and healthy. It was love at first sight.

Paul is now Hailee's biggest fan. When she is in trouble, she calls for her Daddy! When she wants a big hug, she calls for Daddy! When she wants to swing by her feet, its Daddy she calls.
Paul is an amazing father. He's the big tough dad who can fight the ghosts and monsters away. He's the sweet guy that will read stories and cuddle with the kids. He's also the rough, tough Dad who will chase the kids down the street as they ride their bike or wrestle with the kids. Every once in a while, its also the bad Dad who will give time outs. He wear many hats that all say Dad.

Not until last year, was I ever so grateful for my two healthy kids. I'm sorry it took my nwphew to realize that there can be so many complications and problems. But my kids are two walking miracles. Here are many, many people that can't have kids or have had to bury their child. I am truly grateful for the gift of my children.

I cherish every moment I have with Jake and Hailee. Even the ones when I am yelling at Jake to stop hitting Hailee, or when Hailee is having a melt down because I don't have the right dress for her to wear.

The years go by so fast and someday she will be going to kindergarten, graduate high school and college. She will fall in love and get her heart broken. She will get grounded. She will go to prom and Paul and I will be waiting up for her when she missed cerfew. Paul will have the father/daughter dance at her wedding. We will survive and enjoy all of these things and look back and laugh about the dolls she used to play with.

My hope is that she becomes a smart, independent, happy woman. My hope is that we are giving her roots and wings so that one day she may soar.My hope is that God will give me the strength and wisdom to be the best mommy I can be!

Happy Birthday Baby! Mommy loves you more than I will ever be able to express.

I don't know why, but I keep reading blogs from moms who have lost children. It isn't like I am searching for these blogs- they are really, really sad. Kelly is kind of obsessed with the topic, so I guess I can blame it on her. The one positive things about reading such blogs, is it gives me much needed perspective.

I've been putting way too much stress on myself about all sorts of different things. I want my bedroom moved...the flowers planted, the carpent cleaned, car cleaned out. I hate bugs- so the few ants in my kitchen are driving me crazy. There is always too much to do. Laundry, work, cooking, cleaning....the list never ends. Come to think of it, I forgot to have Jake sign a couple birthday cards for relatives, and he still has thank you cards to sign from his birthday party. But at the end of the day, the kids are healthy and life is good.

I've been trying really hard to support Paul with Brendon situation. Not sure if I should talk about it, because I might upset him.

Two Minute Entry....

There are been people that say Hailee doesn't have the same opportunities that the other two have, because she is the last one and of course, the only girl. I've completely disagreed with these statements.

She may not be the first to do it, but she still has the opportunity. Today, Hailee was accepted into Barbara Vick! YES! She is following in her brothers foot-steps, but making her own trail! I'm very excited about the opportunity and grateful for the chance.

Decision making is hard, but I know that Paul and I made the right one with Barbara Vick- even if I did have to pester the principal for a couple days!

Happiness....and random thoughts

This weekend was great! Nothing special happened. Actually I take that back...I got to spend most of Saturday afternoon with my grandfather. He's fiesty and still loves to pick fights with me. the four of us wore him out.... and I think we were a little wore out too. I think I am going to buy him a Blackhawks shirt. He hates hockey- thinks they are going to loss. That would be oh, so funny!

My grandfather told me that he feels like an old man- well, he is 87! He said he's not old and that he's going to live to 90! I loved hearing that. He was in the yard all day barking directions and yelling to get off the other part of the garden. Paul missed the yelling and the directions, lucky him!

I'm on a mission- to get the winter clothes put away, to get the summer clothes organized, to move into our new bedroom, to clean the carpet. Oh yeah, to plant the rest of the flowers. I think Paul thinks I am insane. Maybe he loves me despite my flower obsession!?!

Hailee had the biggest fit she's ever had with me yesterday. I took a small bite of her candy and she lost it on the floor on Dominick's. I picked her up and put her in the cart and she hit me...repeatedly. Then she threw a bottle of Vitamin Water on the floor and it broke. A woman asked me if I was having a bad day and actually, nope I wasn't. Yes, I was stressed out and more than annoyed, but having a bad day- nah!

A bad day would be burying your child, parent, grandparent... getting in a car accident...finding out someone is sick. Hailee's temper tantrum was Hailee being over tired and almost 3. She's testing the boundaries, exploring her word, testing Mommy. She does a lot of that lately.

I talked to a woman who's son got into Lenart. She was confused- very very confused. I gave her all of the knowledge I wish someone would've given me. I hope she makes the right choice. She needs to make a decision by 5 p.m. today. She has never visited the school and both of her other kids go to Keller. I think the cards are stacked against the right choice. Opportunity sometimes only knocks once...I'm glad Paul and I made the right decision. Hope we make many other ones.

Going to Barbara Vick tomorrow- need answers. Need to make the right decision.....

My Grandparents

Next Sunday afternoon my grandfather asked me to come plant flowers and tomato plants in his yard. I think it is an excuse to get me to come over, not that I need one. My mom, his neighbor, he himself can all do the work that needs to be done,but he asked me- so I am, of course, going.

I'm going to throw the kids in the car, and hopefully get Paul to take a small road trip back to the south suburbs to see my grandparents. My grandfather is fiesty, and too honest and sometimes even mean, but he is a pillar of strength and the backbone of the family.

I want Jake and Hailee to remember running around the garden, chasing each other. I want them to see the tomatoes, lettuce and whatever else we plant, grow- just like Ryan and I did. Ryan and I spent alot of time at my grandparents house. We played baseball in the living room, ate chicken soup on the couch when we were sick, slept on the same old blue couch, we sit on now. We ran around and through the garden over and over again.

One of my fondest childhood memories is jumping off the railing on the porch into my grandfather's lap over and over again. I don't remember him yelling at me to stop, but being the 100% Italian that he is,I'm sure he yelled alot. I do remember my grandmother yelling at my grandfather for yelling at us. She was the guard, the angel. The person we could do no wrong with!

My grandmother would always walk Ryan and I to school everyday and then go take care of one of her really sick friends, Mrs. Pomeroy. She did this everyday for years. Eventually her friend died, but I think that she taught Ryan and I compassion. Sometimes she would even drag us there, if Mrs. Pomeroy needed something done. She would visit Mrs. Pomeroy, cook, clean, talk, sing- what ever she need my grandmother would do. Now that my grandmother is older and fraile, I only hope that she takes as good as care of herself as she did Mrs. Pomeroy.

As a teenager, I remember being confused or upset about something- boys, school, who knows- and my grandfather was always there to make some sense of the world. My grandmother was always there with fresh baked cookies and some milk.

When my parents divorced, my grandfather really stepped up and became Dad. It wasn't a role that he wanted, but one that he accepted.

I want Jake and Hailee to remember my grandparents. Maybe not they way Ryan and I remember them- but make their own memories. There are few kids that are lucky enough to have great-grandparents and who knows how long we will be blessed to have them with us. So we will drive to plant tomato plants or plant flowers, or clean the kitchen- whatever excuse my grandfather comes up with, we will be there.

Paul...

Paul and I have a very unique relationship. We've had the highest highs and we've had some really low lows. Its almost been seven years since we've gotten married. Seven of the most wonderful and difficult years of my life. Through it all, I'm glad that we are together. He gave me the best presents of all...my babies. Both of the kids have traits of Paul's... I swear we should've name Jake, Paul instead. He's a clone. We have lots of different opinions on things, see things through different eyes, but I'm glad that he is my husband and my best friend. He's the guy that knows how and what I am feeling without even telling him. He can read my eyes maybe even my facial expressions.

Paul is going through a really hard time right now and I am trying to be the most supportive wife that I can be, although I think I am failing. But last night, he knew I was stressed and he made it all better. It was great and I feel so much better. Wish I could make him feel the way he makes me feel. Love him!

Pain, Suffering and Happiness

This post is going to ramble. Just a warning.

I talked to my friend Rick this morning, who seemed to move the clouds from the sky for me. The sun was shining when I stopped talking to him, which was kind of ironic because that is how I felt. He put into perspective all of the things going on in my life, which helped at least for the moment. Brendon moved in with his mother last Thursday night. The night wasn't as dramatic as I thought it was going to be. Emotional, but not dramatic.

A sigh of relieve filled my body. There was no more drama. No more wondering where he is, what he's up to. No more court battles, at least for now. But then there was sadness. This is a kid I have been raising since he was five. Now he's a trouble 14 year old who is going to live with his mother to get everything he wants. She's evil...pure evil. Poor Brendon is a pawn and he doesn't even know it. Rick told me that Paul probably feels some guilt about the way he came into this world. Paul and the evil one were never married. I'm not sure how they even conceived this child- they are so opposite. But I digress. Paul and the evil one have been fighting over this kid this entire life. Brendon is clearly angry. Angry about the evil one not acting like a mother. Angry for having boundaries and consequences. Angry because he is a teenager. Angry for not being Jake or Hailee.

So Paul is in a no win situation. Paul constantly has to choose between me and Brendon- not because we make him...because its an innate thing to do. Paul feels guilty for bring Brendon into a world with an evil mother, which makes him feel sympathy for him, which in turn makes Paul treat Brendon differently. Less boundaries...more of a friend. Paul doesn't have to choose between Jake and I, or Hailee and I- why? Because we are raising them together. There is no guilt or sympathy. There is a united front. Somehow, Paul and I need to be a united front with Brendon. This is going to take a lot of work- ALOT!

So my other question for my friend Rick- nature vs. nurture. Yes, this debate has been going on for centuries. Unfortunately, the answer was both good and bad. Someone has personality traits set by their DNA. Yes, Jake is going to be laid back and sweet, just like Paul. No, Brendon has the lying, manipulative, deceitful traits- and oh, how they are coming out. Yes and No- Hailee on the other hand, has my stubborn, sassy traits. Hmmmm... I'll get back to you on this one. If their traits have positive rewards to them, such as lying and getting what you want- the trait flourishes. Again, both a good and bad thing.

Rick and I also talked about forgiveness. He told me that I am not Jesus who says to you, you are forgiven, and poof, its all gone. Forgiveness is a decision to make that has to be throughout and executed. Its an on-going process, but first I must get through the anger. Anger for hurting the family, anger for the actions. Oh, the anger. Not sure I am ready to forgive and forget anyone. I will. I will in time. Rick says to calm down and give myself time. Time is a gift and I need to use it wisely.

Time. Time to heal. I am many things, patient is not one of them. I want it done now. I want to fix it now. This maybe my cross to bear. Trying to fix things that I can't is my other cross to bear. I want to snap my fingers and have Paul healed. Its not going to happen. So I am being supportive and patient. YIKES!

On the other hand, it was Jake's 6th birthday and Mother's Day this weekend. It was amazing. My baby, with the big head, who weighed almost ten pounds is 6! Where did the time go. I remember all of the little lessons he taught me as a new mom. I remember him biting through his tongue, projecting vomit all over the living room at 2 a.m., watching General Hospital while feeding his in the middle of the night. I remember it all, crawling, walking, calling the doctor every other day, etc. as if it was yesterday. I am incredibly proud of the way he is growing up- not because he is "gifted." Because he is simply Jake. He's got a great personality. He's social, amazing, fun. He's my "Jakers." My little "Rock Star." He's far from perfect, but I'm not expecting him to be. He's the light of my life and I was honored to share the day with him. He's the best gift I have ever received.

Hailee ran up to me and gave me a big hug and said Happy Birthday to me on Mother's Day. I am sure that she meant Mother's Day, but it meant the same thing. My little girl. She's the girl I dreamed of while I was pregnant. The girl I always wanted. Hailee is the one who turned her Daddy's face pale when we found out it was a girl! "What do I do with that?" She my princess with a diva attitude. Wonder where she gets that from? I love spending time with her. She sees the world through her eyes. She's excited about the grass seed that is growing. "It's so cute, Mommy." She's excited about the pink flowers at the neighbors house, and the water dripping from the outside hose. She loves wearing dresses and picking out her own clothes. Hailee simply loves life! I hope that I can raise her to be a responsible, happy adult who always loves life. I'm trying my damnest.

Sitting in church on Sunday, I was thinking of two particular moms who lost children this year- one an adult, the other a young girl. I prayed for them. The pain must be unbearable. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes and chills down my spine. Both women held their children as they passed away. I can't even imagine!

After all is said and done, between court battles, Brendon, loss of jobs, etc. The everyday running around- errands, laundry, dishes, homework, etc. Paul and I don't have it that bad. All of our children are healthy and alive. We might not like how they are acting or what they are saying, but they are with us.

Dog Fight

Last night, Max and Baloo got into a fight. Max being the larger one, and Baloo being the fat, lazy one- guess who won? Baloo! Max had quite a bit on his paw and was limping around on it. Not to sound heartless, but Paul acted like it was Hailee laying on the floor. There was no blood. It was just a bit. Paul climbed on the floor with the dog, checked to see if he had a temperature (can you even do that with a dog?) and bandaged Max up.

Max is fine! The cutest thing happened during all of this... Hailee was holding Max's paw and rubbing his head. Compassion... "Poor Max." "Are you okay Max?" It was time for bed and Hailee was whining. She told Paul that she had to put Max to bed. She got him a blanket, covered him up, grabbed a pillow off the couch and put Max's head under it. It was the cutest thing I'd ever seen! She kissed his head and said "Night, night Max!"

I hope she stay compassionate and empathetic....and doesn't become jaded by the world!

Ice Cream for Dinner?

We had ice cream for dinner. The three kids and I went to Cold Stone and have delicious ice cream for dinner. It was great! The sun was shining. Two of the three kids wore a lot of their ice cream.

Donuts for breakfast this morning. Have I lost my mind.... Jake and Hailee both have birthdays in the next 6 weeks. My babies are growing up. Jake is going to the CSO for a field trip and he even wore a little suit to school. My little man. Someday he will be a teenager and we will be fighting about curfew and which friends to hang out with. For now, he's the light of my life. The most difficult thing with him is trying to keep him away from the sugar (which is father doesn't help with) and trying to sit still long enough to complete his homework. He's turning 6! Six! Six years ago I was carrying my hubba bubba baby! Amazing how the time flies.

The other light of my life is, of course, Hailee. We had cuddle time this morning. She put on her little blue dress and cute brown shoes. She pushed her baby in the stroller all around Brendon's school this morning. I think it embarrassed Brendon, but everyone else thought it was adorable. What would I do if I had all boys? Manicures and dresses, babies and princesses... I'm loving every minute of it.

The rest of my day includes leaving work...picking up my sister-in-law from work, picking up Jake, Hailee and Nora and going to a party for the Anniversary of their pre-school, dropping Brendon off at Boy Scouts, then off the Jake's school for an ice cream social.

Mom equals Taxi driver.

The charms of parenthood

I just read Maddie's Mom's Blog- She had to bury she daughter who was only a little over a year old. I cried and then cried again! Prespective is good- really good! Hailee peeing down her leg while she is two feet from the potty, Jake trying to sneak fruit snacks every minute of the day, Hailee spitting and then laughing about it. Is really all that serious?

I missed cuddle time with Hailee this morning- not sure why. We cuddle every morning and sing the Good Morning song. It kind of threw my day off. By I did get extra kisses when I dropped her off. Sounds crazy, I know.

Stephanie asked me how it feels to be a mother once and my response was simply- Jake was my heart outside of my body. That was of course before Hailee. Now I have two hearts running around outside of my body. After Jake was born, I swear I couldn't love anyone more. Then came the princess. They are completely different, yet so connected to each other. Hailee calls JaKe- "My Jake." Someone needs to tell her that that is MY Jake and MY Hailee. They are like twins, only 3 1/2 years apart. I can't image what I would do if something happened to either of them. I would be a shell of myself.

So for today, I am going to embrace the insanity of having 3 kids. I might even take them to Jewel- let Hailee walk (she is usually in the cart) around the store and explore her world. We might touch the donuts in the case and then have to buy them. I will not freak out... I will enjoy the world through their eyes. I might even have a donut.

Experience equals Knowledge

I've been a little stresses lately- okay who am I kidding- I've been way over stressed lately. Brendon has gone crazy, not literally. He's acting up. He's failing classes. He's lost his mind. Then there is the health scare. So today, I was going along with my two hour routine, before I even get to leave for work. Got Jake on the school bus, gas in the car, Hailee to the sitters, stop at the in-laws, Brendon to school....YIKES!

Anyway, I stopped at my in-laws and my father-in-law was making coffee. He's in his 80's, kind of a crab most of the time. He's very routine and very set in his ways. He reminds me of my grandfather at times, or maybe the Dad I don't have. He said he was praying for me and that Brendon and the health scare were all part of life. It will work out. One day at a time. This too shall pass.

I think if I heard this advice from anyone else, I would have thought- yeah, yeah, yeah! But he's in his 80's and he has raised and survived three bratty teenagers. He and his wife along with his children and grandchildren have all had health scares. He got through them. He survived to see brighter days. So I took a deep breath and decided that this too shall pass. I will live to see brighter days!

I called the doctor's office at 8:30 a.m. My scare was nothing. Everything is good. I am living to see brighter days already!

Why pink? Why blog?

I'm actually amazed that I am blogging. I guess I've always thought-why do it? But it all started with Facebook. I am addicted to Facebook- I admit it. I used to make fun of my sister-in-law for her addiction, and now- My name is Kristen Guthrie and I have an addiction to facebook. Anyways, I started reading Kelly's blog which always seems to help me keep life in perspective. Then I started reading Maddie's blog today. I read it for hours. I cried. I laughed and I cried again.

So here I am- blogging. I am hoping that writing might help me keep perspective. May get things out in the open- clear the air a bit. We shall see. Maybe no one will read. Maybe thousands will read. Either way, I'm here clearing the air...getting on all out- random thoughts, lots of opinions- and maybe a little inspiration.

On a different note, Pink! My niece, Nora loves PINK! She encouraged my daughter, Hailee to love PINK and now everyone loves PINK! We can't get enough of it! In honor of PINK and my two favorite little girls- my blog is PINK!